Working mom. Not a great definition for me. I like stay-at-home mom much better. But we don't always get to choose, the Lord is the boss and I must have faith.
3 months now, that's how long I've been working. That's how long my wonderful friends have been doing FREE babysitting once a week for me. Maybe that doesn't seem like a long time but to me it's been an eternity. Working was so logical when I was offered this job. It was great pay, part time, something I thought I'd enjoy, close to home, and the best part was it would decrease our student loans by a large amount! Paul and I both jumped on board when I was offered the job. Although I knew it wouldn't be easy to leave Caleb I thought the PROS outweighed the CONS at this point, plus it was ONLY 9 months of work THEN I could be a stay-at-home mom again. The Lord seemed to agree, babysitting fell into place (thank goodness for GREAT friends...Heidi!), our finances were looking great, and I could pick/change my schedule when needed.
Only 3 months later and I'm falling apart. I'm an emotional mess. I dread work and can hardly keep myself busy (partly my own fault), I'm in tears a good portion of the week due to guilt, and my poor mothering skills while I juggle work and family. I discussed with Paul my feelings often but also hid them often. Should I quit my job? It would be humiliating to tell my boss, all I've been given is praise and thanks for being the perfect employee, just the credentials for the job. Could I bear to quit? Is it worth it? What about finances? What does the Lord want me to do? Is this just a trial the Lord needs me to learn from? Doesn't it make sense for a mother to be home with her children all the time? Is Caleb's behavior poor because I'm not home with him?...Questions that ran though my mind on an hourly basis.
I don't write this for a pity party, but the power of prayer. 2 weeks ago as Paul and I discussed our feelings and desires for our family we realize we were NOT living the way we'd hoped and should be. Couple prayers were scarce, scripture reading was non-existent, I had little motivation to be better (maybe some depression?) and the list goes on. I knew I needed help to get through work each week, or more like each hour. PRAYER. SCRIPTURES. Those were the first to come to mind. We began a goal to read and pray together every night, a goal we've made many times. 3 days later and we got an answer to our prayers.
I went to work and my boss asked me into her office to talk (I love my boss by the way). She'd informed me that she'd discussed with our boss if it's be okay for me to bring the baby to work once she came. It's not. But what she said next was simple, but just what I needed to hear.
"I understand if this job doesn't work out with your family once the baby comes. If you don't feel like you can continue working, just let me know. I understand."
What a relief! She almost gave me permission to quit! Half the battle for me as I thought about quitting was having to tell them after only 3 months and it was a temporary job anyways.
What a blessing. 3 days. 3 days of doing the little things that the Lord asks and he gives me an answer to a prayer I'd been praying about for months.
The plan is for me to continue working until I have this sweet baby, then I can STAY HOME! I'll won't have to leave baby girl once she's here, no more dropping Caleb off, no more stress with school/work schedules, no more guilt for leaving my kids, and no more money. But I know the Lord will provide a way for us financially.
One more thing to look forward to once little baby girl comes; I can quit my job.
